Self-Hate & Change

I had gotten it wrong all of my life. It’s so ingrained in me that imagining getting past this toxic habit seems impossible.

Accepting others as they are comes easily for me. So why is it so hard to extend the same courtesy to myself?

Beliefs Pt. 2

There is a christian writer named Donald Miller who poses a similar thought in his book ‘Blue Like Jazz’. He is at a protest for some cause or another and has the realization that his sign is totally meaningless. That the other side will never read it with open eyes and mind, and so therefore will never change anything. He comes to the conclusion that it would be more productive to hold a sign that reads: ‘I am the Problem’. Only you are going to read your words with the power you intended them to have, and in the long run you are the only thing that you can really change in your life. — http://www.reddit.com/r/Psychonaut/comments/2fb35k/xpost_rvideos_dude_goes_on_a_nice_little_talk/ck7v0yj

The mercy of the West has been social revolution; the mercy of the East has been individual insight into the basic self/void. We need both. They are both contained in the traditional three aspects of the Dharma path: wisdom (prajna), meditation (dhyana), and morality (sila). Wisdom is intuitive knowledge of the mind of love and clarity that lies beneath one’s ego-driven anxieties and aggressions. Meditation is going into the mind to see this for yourself — over and over again, until it becomes the mind you live in. Morality is bringing it back out in the way you live, through personal example and responsible action, ultimately toward the true community (sangha) of “all beings.” — “Buddhist Anarchism” by Gary Snyder (1961)

Peace is when your thoughts, your words, and your actions are one.  I admit, I struggle with this. I would like to be at peace.

I want to be void of beliefs. I would like to keep my eyes and ears open to all.  I would like to be conscious and mindful of all things.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

— Max Ehrmann 1927

Yūgen – 幽玄

Yūgen – 幽玄

(n.) an awareness of the universe that triggers emotional responses too deep and mysterious for words.

There is a japanese term for how I feel!  How amazing.

Beliefs

I’ve been struggling hard about this particular subject recently.  Some external factors have forced me to really sit down and reconsider what my views are..  and I’ve come to the conclusion that beliefs are nothing to be proud of.

Believing something isn’t an accomplishment.  I had been raised thinking that beliefs are something integral to who you are.  That it is imperative to believe in God, or to have a strong opinion on politics.

Beliefs are easy.  The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because the strength of your belief is only the intensity in which you resist questioning yourself.  As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you have made it a part of your ego.

Listen to any “die-hard” conservative or liberal talk about their deepest beliefs.. and you’re listening to someone who will never hear what you say on any subject that matters to them.  Unless you believe the same, that is.

It feels good to talk forcefully.  It is gratifying to be agreed with.  It is easy to have beliefs and block out everyone and everything.  It’s so burden-free and soothing to see things in black and white. Your mind thanks you for giving it a mental shortcut.  Hah.

Wherever there is a belief, there is a door that is closed.

I want to take on beliefs that stand up to my most honest, humble scrutiny.  I want to always be open to change and for my beliefs to fear me and not the other way around.

The older I get, the more I feel that I know nothing.  And I’m happy feeling this way. 🙂

Adam & Eve

Everyone knows about the story of Adam & Eve.  About how Eve gave Adam the forbidden fruit through which the Original Sin was committed.

Let’s think about it a little more, though.  Why did God ask Adam what he had done, if He already knew the answer?

I think it was just to see what Adam would say.  Does that make God a sort of sadist, giving Adam the rope and then letting him hang himself with it?  Hahaha.  Maybe.  Or maybe more so God assumed the role of the quizzical creator who is amused at his creations’ shenanigans.

But Adam did something truly interesting in response.  He said (paraphrasing), “The wife that YOU gave me… she brought me fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

Wow, Adam’s kind of a dick, right.  But let’s break that down.  Adam did three things.  First, he placed responsibility on God for giving him Eve.  Second, he blamed Eve because she brought him the fruit, making her responsible for the act.  And finally, (plot twist) he claimed ownership of the deed by stating he did in fact do it.

Deconstructed, Adam’s reaction is beautiful:

God, You gave me this woman, and I love her to death, literally.  She disobeyed me by doing this thing You told me we shouldn’t do.  You told me the punishment for this was death.  But You gave her to me, and I’m not going to let go of the greatest gift You ever gave me.  Letting go of her is the same as letting go of You.  So I followed her.  I knew the consequences.  Following her was the only way I knew that You’d save her.

At first glance, you might think Adam is blaming Eve for his being tempted.  But really, he’s implicating God.  Either God made Eve wrong, or Adam had to follow her to death for God to have made them both the way He intended.

In Adam’s self sacrifice, he saves his love.  So for God to sacrifice himself as Jesus Christ, it was Adam’s redemption.  It was God following his own Eve.  Humanity itself.

Beautiful.  To sacrifice yourself for your love is to be divine.

EDIT: 02/27/2014

So I finally finished the post.  It took 6+ months to finally come around to finish.  And I have an addendum!  But it might not make sense, because I don’t want to delay this any longer.

Another way to look at it is that Adam was saving God at the same time:

God, you made this woman.  She failed.  Either that makes you fallible by proxy, or I need to follow her so that you can save us both.

In Adam’s pursuit of love, he was actually following God in order to prove the universal truth that God is Love.  He was giving God the opportunity to show that God, Love, is capable of redeeming something that was broken.  Love isn’t love until it’s been proven.

Or something like that.. I may clean up this edit later down the line.

Realistic Love

I love her intensely, but not obsessively.

We disagree a lot but never fight, because we know how to communicate.

I would die for her, but I would not kill for her.

We sacrifice for each other, but not needlessly.

She is a big part of my world, but not the only part.

And I don’t have to prove I love her, nor does she need to prove to me.

Life Values

Be nice. Kind.

Perspective.

I want to take these words and drill them into my skull.  I want to be haunted by these values.  I want to go into every situation with understanding and compassion.  Not only to others but, perhaps just as importantly, myself as well.

Beautiful Sadness

Goth Kid: I guess you can join up with us if you want.

Goth Kid 2: Yeah. We’re gonna go to the graveyard and write poems about death and how pointless life is.

Butters: Uh, uhm no thanks. I love life.

Stan: Huh? But you just got dumped.

Butters: Well yeah, and I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin’ really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I’m feelin’ is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid.

Goth Kid 2: Yeah.

Stan: No. No, Butters, that doesn’t sound stupid at all.

Butters: Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I’d rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.

– South Park TV Show – Episode: Raisins

The dangers of Venting

When I feel the need to vent about someone, I want to try and point out their good qualities too.  We all get angry or upset at even the most beloved in our lives; sometimes more so because you are so close to each other.  But seeing other friends doing the same thing with me have honestly made me irrationally hate people I’ve never met.  All I hear are their flaws and the things they do to hurt someone I care about and it makes me angry.

When I need to bend someone’s ear, I want to keep that in mind so that they build a well-rounded image of the person I’m venting about.