Beliefs Pt. 2

There is a christian writer named Donald Miller who poses a similar thought in his book ‘Blue Like Jazz’. He is at a protest for some cause or another and has the realization that his sign is totally meaningless. That the other side will never read it with open eyes and mind, and so therefore will never change anything. He comes to the conclusion that it would be more productive to hold a sign that reads: ‘I am the Problem’. Only you are going to read your words with the power you intended them to have, and in the long run you are the only thing that you can really change in your life. — http://www.reddit.com/r/Psychonaut/comments/2fb35k/xpost_rvideos_dude_goes_on_a_nice_little_talk/ck7v0yj

The mercy of the West has been social revolution; the mercy of the East has been individual insight into the basic self/void. We need both. They are both contained in the traditional three aspects of the Dharma path: wisdom (prajna), meditation (dhyana), and morality (sila). Wisdom is intuitive knowledge of the mind of love and clarity that lies beneath one’s ego-driven anxieties and aggressions. Meditation is going into the mind to see this for yourself — over and over again, until it becomes the mind you live in. Morality is bringing it back out in the way you live, through personal example and responsible action, ultimately toward the true community (sangha) of “all beings.” — “Buddhist Anarchism” by Gary Snyder (1961)

Peace is when your thoughts, your words, and your actions are one.  I admit, I struggle with this. I would like to be at peace.

I want to be void of beliefs. I would like to keep my eyes and ears open to all.  I would like to be conscious and mindful of all things.

Beliefs

I’ve been struggling hard about this particular subject recently.  Some external factors have forced me to really sit down and reconsider what my views are..  and I’ve come to the conclusion that beliefs are nothing to be proud of.

Believing something isn’t an accomplishment.  I had been raised thinking that beliefs are something integral to who you are.  That it is imperative to believe in God, or to have a strong opinion on politics.

Beliefs are easy.  The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because the strength of your belief is only the intensity in which you resist questioning yourself.  As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you have made it a part of your ego.

Listen to any “die-hard” conservative or liberal talk about their deepest beliefs.. and you’re listening to someone who will never hear what you say on any subject that matters to them.  Unless you believe the same, that is.

It feels good to talk forcefully.  It is gratifying to be agreed with.  It is easy to have beliefs and block out everyone and everything.  It’s so burden-free and soothing to see things in black and white. Your mind thanks you for giving it a mental shortcut.  Hah.

Wherever there is a belief, there is a door that is closed.

I want to take on beliefs that stand up to my most honest, humble scrutiny.  I want to always be open to change and for my beliefs to fear me and not the other way around.

The older I get, the more I feel that I know nothing.  And I’m happy feeling this way. 🙂

The dangers of Venting

When I feel the need to vent about someone, I want to try and point out their good qualities too.  We all get angry or upset at even the most beloved in our lives; sometimes more so because you are so close to each other.  But seeing other friends doing the same thing with me have honestly made me irrationally hate people I’ve never met.  All I hear are their flaws and the things they do to hurt someone I care about and it makes me angry.

When I need to bend someone’s ear, I want to keep that in mind so that they build a well-rounded image of the person I’m venting about.

Fear of Children

my mom had a house, a husband, and a career, but she still felt her life wasn’t completely fulfilling and purposeful, and she thought children were supposed to fill those vacancies in her life. we might have filled some of those empty holes in her life, but we couldn’t fill all of them and make her happy and satisfied and give her life purpose and meaning. those are things she needed to look for within herself, but instead she chose to burden two infants with the task of creating meaning in her life. we failed at that task, and she resented us for it. she resented us not only for our failure to make her happy with her life, but also for using up all of the time, energy, and resources she might otherwise have used to find that thing that would give her life meaning and purpose.

kona_kona @ reddit.com

This is like nightmare scenario for me.  As I grow older and the social pressure of settling down and having kids begins to rear its ugly head, I have to take a step back and take a hard look.

Kids are no joke, and I’d have to be absolutely sure that I want them.  Eesh.

Preach

People preach what they themselves need to hear the most.

If this is true, what does my blog say about what I need to hear most?

Fear of Powerlessness

Specifically, it’s the fear of powerlessness in protecting loved ones.

Growing up, I’ve always been considered “weak.”  I wasn’t physically active.  I was meek and shy.  Teachers, parents, and adults alike all discouraged me from standing up for myself when dealing with bullies.  Out of fear of litigation (my parents were very afraid of this).  Fear of backlash.  They would tell me things like, “Oh don’t worry you’ll show them when you’re their boss!”  (Ha!)

I grew up watching kung fu movies.  A lot of them.  They were my escape.  In particular, this guy to the right was my hero.  I watched all of his movies.  My role model!  Master Wong Fei Hung – He can kick anyone’s ass, but is modest.  He’s a physician, and regularly gives free treatment to the poor.  He is a gentlemen with women, and protects everyone he cares for.  He never holds grudges, and completely forgives his enemies.  (His movies also included a healthy dose of Chinese nationalism and some anti-Western propaganda, but I didn’t know that until a lot later… whoops)

I wanted to take martial arts classes sooooo bad.  But my parents never really had the means nor the time to take me.  They also didn’t feel like it was important, and asked me to focus on my studies instead.

For a long while, the culmination of all the things stated above skewed my perception of what it meant to be a man.

I remember having dreams that eventually turned into nightmares as people close to me (friends, family, imaginary girlfriends) got hurt, and I could not save them.  Literally, my punches were just too slow.  I didn’t realize until later that this was a fairly common dream for men.

Being completely helpless as you see your loved ones suffer is still very much a strong fear for me.  When bad things happen to you, you can deal with it.  Get angry.  Shake it off.  You’re in control.  But when you’re completely powerless to help… it drives me insane.

I want to do everything that I can so that I never feel that way.  I want to become stronger– physically, mentally, emotionally.  If the situation ever comes up, I want to know that I have done everything that I possibly can to protect the ones I care for.